This Easter is different.
This Easter is different in a lot of ways for me. Not only did I start a new job this year, other “things” around me have changed, some in the last several months, some have been ongoing, some for the better and some I question. I had to start blogging, again. Something I had done many years, ago. I have had an opportunity to attend all the Lenten Worships, not just for the food. I will come to Maundy Thursday and Good Friday worship and will be at all the Easter worships this year.
I started attending our Women’s Bible Study on Wednesday nights. The study seems very appropriate to where I am in this journey. (It’s Seamless by Angie Smith.) Not only am I enjoying the study, but I am enjoying getting to know some of the ladies better and some that were only faces prior to the class. And I am kind of amazed how everything is coming together with the bible stories (and throughout MY story) and making sense to me.
I tossed around the idea in my head of going to Haiti this summer (back in the fall) and talked myself out of it, but kept feeling this tug that I should go. My oldest decided he wanted to go and I felt that maybe that was the tug. He should go, so we focused on him going. I kept feeling this tug (“gnawing” is how I described it in bible study). That maybe that wasn’t it at all. It came down to only a couple of spots left and with a little encouragement from Charles, Shawn, and my husband, I made the decision recently to just do it! I will be going to Haiti this summer, too. What an experience that will be with my Senior Kiddo without electronics.
It’s like a broken record in my head stuck on do it, do it, do it or whatever is appropriate for what is going on. I have heard it a lot in the last couple of years. I think trying to push me through.
I have started praying more recently, because of this tugging. This has been a tough one for me. Really. There have been times that I have questioned Him and times that I felt like what is He thinking? (Like me going to Haiti during the summer knowing that I HATE humidity.) Times that I felt that He couldn’t possibly love me. Even times that I felt like maybe He just isn’t there. He may be there for others, but not for me. I didn’t deserve Him in my life. I know what I have done, what I have experienced (things that I felt broke me, things that I am still trying to come back from), what close friends have been through and come out of, and what things are going on in the world. I pray for peace for all of these things and experiences. I pray to be better than I am. I pray for focus and clarity. I pray for changes to keep my kids safe. Sometimes I just pray to make it through the day without having to yell at one of my kids to let the dog (now dogs, but that’s another story) out.
These are all things that even a year ago that I would have laughed at and said “Nope.” Which is exactly what I said about this job. Maybe I have always had this broken record going and just didn’t listen. Maybe I have just now started learning how to listen.
This Easter is different.
